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For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve always believed that courtesy is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a satisfying life, I’ve struggled with very low self-confidence. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It stems from anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It irritates my loved ones and co-workers, and then I get annoyed when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.

Presenting and Questioning

This excessive apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an starting scholar in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through facing fears, such as instructing groups and forcing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing setbacks from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I fall back to old habits.

Personal Peace

I doubt I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still value life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the frequent sorrys. I’ve heard that therapy might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Understanding the Roots

A psychotherapist might explore where this urge comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it self-inspired or inherited from someone important to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once benefited us become maladaptive in later years.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you continue it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than doing. Much of helpful sessions is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will kindly probe you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and embrace who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-assurance can grow from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing deep-seated habits is hard, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid embarrassment or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a vicious circle of frustration and anxiety.

Even thinking things through can be helpful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.

This journey will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a important first step toward growth.